Howdy y’all! It has been a hot minute since I posted on this blog. I thought…”What better way to jump back in than to share a life update”. If you follow me on YouTube and Instagram, you know that a year ago my 20 year marriage ended, I moved out on my own, and got a divorce. The past year has been a time of deep reflection and immense growth. I really looked at myself deeply and my life and decided what I wanted to do, where I wanted to go, and who I really wanted to be.
In the past year I have let go of fake friends, caring about what others think, hurt from my past, fear of my future, putting heavy expectations on myself, trying to live the perfect life, and comparing myself to others. I spent the last three years or more of marriage utterly unhappy. I was deeply depressed, contemplated leaving, contemplated suicide, and was in the darkest place in my life I have ever been. I don’t want to share the truth behind my divorce just yet or what really happened, but when it ended…I was not sad about it. In fact I saw this as a time for change.
I gave up holding onto material things and instead focused on creating memories. I began to take adventures that pushed me out of my comfort zone. I reconnected to God and renewed my faith (something that as been a HUGE help in healing some pain). This past year has been such a great year of growth, self discovery, healing, and transformation.
I decided to start going back to church, I got rid of a lot of my possessions and now live more minimally, I have been volunteering, I went back to teaching yoga and Pilates, and I decided to pursue a new career. I am now working a Healthcare job and going back to school for Nursing.
I couldn’t be more happy, joyful, and fulfilled than I have been in years. Now that I have spent the last year healing my mental, emotional, and spiritual health…I really need to start focusing on my physical health. I spent those dark three years numbing my emotions with food. Since I was not drinking (more on that later) I used food to self medicate. In the three years since I’ve moved to Florida I have gained 50lbs.
Now, I want to say that I am a HUGE supporter of the Body Positive Movement. I think everyone has the right to be treated the same including all people of all shapes and sizes. This is something that I have talked about in my yoga and Pilates teaching for over a decade (long before Body Positivity was even a thing). I believe that movement of all types is for everybody and every BODY regardless of age, fitness level, size, shape, etc.
But I also think that Body Positivity means something different for each person. You get to decide what is right for your body, not outside sources, not trying to live up to an airbrushed image on a magazine, not living up to others’ expectations. You get to decide what is right and comfortable for you, no one else. And everyone should accept that and accept you as you are.
However, for me….right now I am not comfortable in my body. As someone who struggled with an eating disorder for 20 years, I have always had issues with food. But as most people with an eating disorder will tell you…its never about the food. My eating disorder was anorexia, but the last three to four years…I have been self soothing my emotions through binge eating.
My goal is to help everyone learn to love the skin they’re in, but I don’t feel I can properly do that right now until I am more comfortable in my own body. Don’t get me wrong…I LOVE the skin I’m in and it has taken me a long time to get here. But I feel that there are things I can be doing that are healthier, and that I need to work on healing my relationship with food. I have spent the past year focusing on improving my mental and emotional health that now it is time to focus on my physical health.
I want to get back to the point I was at where I was at peace with my body and my relationship to food. I used food only to nourish my body (not self medicate) and I used exercise only to celebrate what my body could do (not to punish it for something I ate). Here are a few pictures from when I most happy with my body.
I chose exercise that brought me joy like yoga, Pilates, cycling, and running. I ate foods that nourished my body and supported my health.
After three dark years…I gained 50 lbs. I want to be completely transparent in my journey…so here is a picture of me now.
Now that I am mentally and emotionally happy…I feel it is the right time to start focusing on being happy and comfortable in my body again. It is the last little piece I need to complete to finding myself again. To let go of the hurt from my marriage and move on.
I have decided to transition my blog, YouTube channel, and Instagram to really just sharing more about who I am, my journey, and my life. It will not be strictly clean beauty, although that will remain mostly because that is a huge part of my life and what I’m passionate about, but now I will share more of my weight loss journey, my faith and relationship with God, and my yoga/Pilates teaching.
I think being well means finding wellness in all areas…physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. As I mentioned it is my goal to help everyone learn to love the skin they’re in and I think it encompasses all of that. So I will be sharing more of that.
I’m not focusing on skincare and clean beauty as much because I am tired of sharing my knowledge and expertise without little support from companies. I spend hundreds of dollars of my own money to buy products and review them. These brands don’t even comment, like, or even share my content. I am also trying to buy less and live more minimally so I will only be buying and reviewing skincare products that I am actually interested in. I will also be sharing and reviewing any products I received from brands.
I’m getting a little fed up with my expertise and knowledge not being appreciated while people who have no experience get “discovered” and gain thousands of followers. It’s disheartening and I only want to focus on the positive so I can move forward and only focus on things that spark joy in my life.
So you’ll be seeing some different content on my accounts including:
- Yoga and Pilates videos and posts
- Posts related to my faith and God
- Clean beauty/skincare
- Nutrition and clean eating
- My health and wellness journey
- My nursing school experience
- and more of my life in and around Orlando and other parts of the world
Hope you’ll enjoy this new direction and join me on this journey to finding JOY!